Felülíró

I wanted to tell you so many things when we meet, but it seems that will never happen. So I don’t really have another choice but to talk about my feelings to a phone, again. Maybe you’ll listen, maybe you won’t — it doesn’t really matter at this point. I just wanted to put it out there before my birthday. You know, starting with a clean slate, or something like that.  Cutting contact with you was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I cared about you deeply. I worried about you all the time. But after you went back in April, slowly but surely, it started to feel like there wasn’t really space for me in your life anymore. And that’s okay — it was a very messed-up situation, you needed space, and I wanted to support you. But in the end, I felt like my needs and feelings weren’t really considered anymore. That since you didn’t need me as much, it was somehow okay to be careless with me. Having that closeness, curiosity, reciprocity, and consistency in the beginning meant the worl...

Every time we spoke you seemed different. You tried to be there for me, you told me things I wanted to hear, but the follow-through was more and more delayed, or sometimes it just felt like you forgot about me. I understood why, but at the same time it felt like I had less and less space in your life. And it was hard: having that closeness, curiosity, consistency meant the world to me, but it started to fade. So I decided to care for you from a distance. Since I saw how overwhelmed and confused you were, how many things you had to handle at once, I didn’t want to add to your struggles with my feelings. At the same time, I started to realise that if I kept myself in the situation as it unfolded, I knew I’d start to push you to come back, to show up for me, to say something you were not ready for, or to make promises you couldn’t keep. It felt like you didn’t necessarily have the capacity to be there for me, so I stepped back with the hope that when you’re ready, you’ll come back to me. ...