Felülíró

Cutting contact was the bravest thing I've ever done. First I thought it's insignificant, it's a small step I made but I have still a long way to go. Then I was proud. I did something for myself, because I felt I hade the right to feel what I'm feeling. For a whole day it felt like I'm finally able to breathe. But then the guilt creeped in. What if this thing I did will drive you away from me for good? What if this makes me untrustworthy in your eyes? What if I left someone behind who relied on me? Who needed me. I felt bad. Real bad. And a few days passed. I finally had energy again. I enjoyed the small moments. I felt closer to my friends. I'm closer to myself, again. It feels good to be myself again.  I'm thinking about what I did a lot. Why does it feel so bold? Today it kicked in: I showed you the  consequence of your actions. And I couldn't not do it. I had to do it, I didn't have an other choice. It was an act of self-love. Something I don...

Some people are ready for a connection, but not for a relationship.  I don't know if you are ready. You don't know that either I guess. Sometimes it feels like you are, sometimes it feels like you aren't. In my opinion, I'll only get my answers if we spend some time together again. I want to give you the chance to show up. To be there, be available, emotionally too. I want to give this time. I want to trust the process . I saw the person I want in my life in you and I want to be sure if he's in you or not anymore. I repeat the words of our last conversations in my head all the time, you tried to tell me that I shouldn't expect much. That you don't have the answers. But you don't have to have the answers I'm looking for, I just want to know if you are still open to try. To see where things go. If you already decided that you don't want to commit, that's fine, but why do I feel like you are still holding onto me? That you want this too? Do I gi...

I’ve been thinking a lot since our last conversation, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the best thing for me right now is to stop keeping in touch. I feel that you – understandably, no shade – can’t give me the stability I need at the moment. I’ve been holding on very tightly to what we had, and if I keep doing that, I feel like I’ll be taking away the chance for us to possibly find our way back to each other in the future. I’d be happy to see you when you’re back in Prague and if you feel stable enough to continue what we had, but until then, it’s better for both of us to focus on what lies ahead. Take care, lindo! Whatever will happen, I’ll always cherish our time together, and I truly hope life gives you everything you’re hoping for – you deserve that and so much more. ❤️ ____________ Thank you for understanding! Yes, our perspective is very different: I’m not going through the most traumatic and challenging time of my life, all I know is that I miss you and I want to see you ag...

I think I fell in love with you. And now I have to keep it to myself.  When I think about meeting you again, I don't know what I would say. I feel sick of this thought. You standing there, waiting for me to come back to you, to be light, to be fun, to be what I was to you, but I won't be able to. I'll stand there, in front of you, the person I was waiting for not only for months but for my whole life, and I won't be able to say a world. I have this wall inside me, this heaviness, resentment, tears and this fucking knot in my stomach, I'm messy, I'm full with questions, with feelings, but still, all I want to know is if you will be able to come back to me. To create that closeness, trust, happiness again. Will we be able to talk our truth? Or do I have to act like nothing happened?  Every time we talk I feel you are a different person. In the past 4 weeks there was not one minute when I felt the closeness we've had before. Before you went back. Until that ti...

No revenge, because I know you needed the love I gave you.  A legjobb barátnőm már otthon húzza a lóbőrt, én mégis szeretem őt. Egy másik barátnőm éppen krízisben pörög, el van veszve, mégis szeretem. A harmadikkal fél éve egy szót sem beszéltem, mégis ott van az a meleg érzés a szívemben, ha rá gondolok. A kutyámmal csak a baj van, tök nagy meló, minden nap, mégsem tudom elképzelni nélküle az életem. Úgy is tudok szeretni embereket, hogy éppen nincsenek mellettem. Hogy éppen nem beszélek velük. Hogy nem tudom, mit csinálnak, mi van bennük, hol tartanak éppen, mit gondolnak rólam. Szeretni lehet messziről is. Szeretni egyszerű. Könnyű azt gondolni, hogy ha valaki nem úgy szeret bennünket éppen, ahogy nekünk arra szükségünk van, akkor az nem is szeretet. Azt érezni, hogy igazából nem is szeret bennünket a másik. Pedig a szeretet ennyi. Érezni azt a kedves kis melegséget a mellkasunkban, amikor arra az emberre gondolunk.  Egész életemben ezzel küzdöttem: mérleggel mértem a sze...