Játék

Some people are ready for a connection, but not for a relationship. 

I don't know if you are ready. You don't know that either I guess. Sometimes it feels like you are, sometimes it feels like you aren't. In my opinion, I'll only get my answers if we spend some time together again. I want to give you the chance to show up. To be there, be available, emotionally too. I want to give this time. I want to trust the process. I saw the person I want in my life in you and I want to be sure if he's in you or not anymore. I repeat the words of our last conversations in my head all the time, you tried to tell me that I shouldn't expect much. That you don't have the answers. But you don't have to have the answers I'm looking for, I just want to know if you are still open to try. To see where things go. If you already decided that you don't want to commit, that's fine, but why do I feel like you are still holding onto me? That you want this too? Do I give the chance to unfold this or should I run away? I really am not the type who is patient, but lately I start to feel that's a problem. Not everybody is as fast as me. Not everybody tries to predict the future all the time like me. Not everybody runs a 100 miles an hour like me. I can't expect from people to have it all together. I need to give things time. Which means I have to give time for myself as well. I can't expect from myself to have it all together all the time. Healthy relationships are a new territory for me. I have to believe that I'll know if something is not good for me and that I'll be able to make a decision according to that. 

I'm glad we stoped talking. I miss you, still, every day, but your unpredictability and mood swings made me so insecure and unsafe it made me lose my mind. I don't want that. I want my peace. But sometimes I feel guilty that I shut you out (although you already shut me out before.) Like I'm the one who always has to be understanding. Who always has to make room for other people's feelings. But what about me? My feelings? Do they matter? Do they matter to you? If you can't deal with them right now it's fine but why don't you say something? Why are you acting like you are there for me when you clearly are not. You say we'll talk on the phone but I don't trust you'll call me. You already neglected our plans before. I don't trust you. I don't trust this versions of you. I have the right to do so. I have to remind myself of that. 

I picture us talking many times during my days. What I'll say to you about this 6 weeks. What did I discover about myself in this time. I want to tell you how I felt while you were pulling away from me. That I realise that I don't know that much you yet to trust you that you are still there. You told me that although we have this love for each other we only can be friends now and take things slow. But I wouldn't treat a friend like that either. I would tell them how I feel. Even if I don't know how I feel. Friendship is a solid foundation for a romantic relationship, I agree. We have to be friends first and lovers next. But you are not treating me as a friend. We are at this strange point where we don't know if what happened between us will last. Where we are not ready to show our true selves to each other because we want to know if we can trust the other person with that. But it's a bit late for that, isn't it? I did caught you at your most vulnerable moment of your life, your mom died, and I was there when you found out. I was the one with you when you saw her body. I was the one who talked you through the process of letting her go. You opened up to me because you didn't have a choice. And it was a lot. Too much. But avoiding me won't make the process easier. Will I be the person who'll always remind you of that moments? That's so unfair. I don't want to be the one to blame. 

I wanted to stay connected. I was trying. You were not ready for that, but I tried. And I'm proud of that. I showed you that I care. That I want us to be those people to one other who we can rely on. I did it, I showed you my heart. And you showed your heart to me too. It was real. Why would I be okay with you pretending it didn't happen? That we didn't have that. 

That whole thing is just too heavy. 

I want to hug you, feel your skin on my skin, see the fire in your eyes. I can't hold onto that few weeks of closeness we had, but I can hope we'll get back there. I hope you'll stop wondering and come back to me. Unfair, still, that I'm in that position. But do I have an other choice? Can I just ignore these deep feelings I have for you? All these dates I'm going to just makes me even more sure that what we experienced with each other is not something I should le go. Not yet. But it's fading. And I think it's a good thing. So I'll be able to pull back, also. To go back to the standing point where nothing is decided yet. Because nothing is decided yet.