Játék

I think I fell in love with you. And now I have to keep it to myself. 

When I think about meeting you again, I don't know what I would say. I feel sick of this thought. You standing there, waiting for me to come back to you, to be light, to be fun, to be what I was to you, but I won't be able to. I'll stand there, in front of you, the person I was waiting for not only for months but for my whole life, and I won't be able to say a world. I have this wall inside me, this heaviness, resentment, tears and this fucking knot in my stomach, I'm messy, I'm full with questions, with feelings, but still, all I want to know is if you will be able to come back to me. To create that closeness, trust, happiness again. Will we be able to talk our truth? Or do I have to act like nothing happened? 

Every time we talk I feel you are a different person. In the past 4 weeks there was not one minute when I felt the closeness we've had before. Before you went back. Until that time everything was clear. I knew you want me, I knew I want you. I knew we'll build something. If it works, it works, if not, then not, of course. But it felt like magic. Curiosity. Trust. Like we've had to go through all of this uncertainty and sadness just to find each other in the end. Two givers. You water me, I water you. But now, I'm standing here alone and all I have is hope. (It was enough in Star Wars though.) Maybe that's everything I have right now. Hope. That when we'll see each other again every feeling will come back. That this coldness between us will melt and you'll reach for me with all your heart and all I have to do is let you in. Again. 

You are lost. You are drifting. You go to places, to people who will make you forget all your sorrows. You lost the track, and now you don't know if your track exists anymore. But I see it so clearly. It's there. You just have to step on it. If I could do it for you, I would, but I can't. I want to help you. I want to get you back so bad. Does it have to be this hard? At this point this whole thing feels like labour. Hard work. But I'm the only one who's working. Will you work on this too? Will you work for us too? 

I'm so afraid of being a burden. A burden to you. You are going through so much. I'm trying to communicate, I'm coming up with solutions, I even told you to stop talking for a while weeks ago. But you won't let me go. You want me there, you want to have access to me, but will I get back the same from you? Will you be there for me if things get hard? Can I count on you? You say you want to have fun when you are back. To have your year without stress. You say you want to see me, to be with me but you don't know if we'll be in a relationship. I know that, we barely know each other. But at the same time: what do you mean by that? You don't know if we are compatible with each other or you don't know if you would be able to be in a relationship? I know you couldn't stay away from me, but at the same time does this mean that you don't want to actually be there for me? 

Is this your way of protecting me? Or are you just letting me down easy?

You value our friendship. (Hah.) You love the way we communicate. The beautiful being I am. I'm not disposable for you. These are your words from a few days ago. But you know what I want. I need stability. I need someone who'll be there in the good and the bad too. If you know you can't give that to me why don't you say something? "Look, I'm going through a rough time, I don't think I'm able to be there for you the way you deserve it. This is everything I can offer right now. I know it's unfair, and it's hard to let this thing go, but you are too important to me so I don't want to hurt you." You don't even have to say it, you can just write it down.You don't even have to mean it, you can lie, too. I'll hate you for a while but then I'll be grateful in the end for letting me go. This is what I would do in a similar situation. I would be straightforward. I would never put someone through so much uncertainty. I would never use someone's affection to make myself feel better. 

I want someone who wants me. Who wants me when I'm down, who will be strong for the both of us when I'm not able to. I want someone who knows what they want. Who won't be careless with me. Who won't run away when things get hard. Who wants to be in my future too. For a moment I thought this person could be you. You told me every right thing so I'll believe we want the same thing but now I'm not sure if you were honest. You are a lover boy who was carried away for a minute and told a hopeful lady some things she was hungry for her whole life. You want the love, but not the responsibility that comes with it. You seemed you care but now you are acting like you have all the time that exists.  

How comfortable it is to enjoy my light without the obligation to protect it. 

Sometimes I'm reading our messages from a few weeks or a month ago, so I don't feel so stupid for believing in us. There was so much love in it. So much reciprocity. Compassion. Understanding... Are you just lost, or is this the real you? It feels like someone stole you from me. I'm so hurt I'm trying to make you the devil of our story because I don't have anyone else to blame. At the same time I'm not ready to let you go. I'm just not able to. How can so much love and sadness be in me at the same time? You sent me the most beautiful Brazilian love songs all the time. I want to believe that all we've had was real. How can I move on if I've had something so beautiful? I don't want it to hurt so bad. 

I sound like a fucking clisé. 

I'm so tired. 

I made you the center of my universe and I lost myself in the process. I can't really blame you for that, it was my choice. But I have to be my own Sun. I have to let you go. I miss my old me. That free, confident, kind person I used to be. I don't want to drive myself crazy with these questions anymore. I have to let the pain of losing you in, so I can move on with my life. But I won't be able to stay away from you if you will be close to me again either. I don't think I would be able to say no to you. I can't let go the hope yet. I want to know if the person I met in the beginning of March is still there. If he's still there, and if he wants to come back to me, I'll go back to him too. But we'll have to build everything up again. What we've had, that beautiful thing: I have to grieve it. Completely. Otherwise, I'll hold onto it so bad I'll start to hate it. And I want to cherish that, because for me it was everything I've ever wanted.