I’ve been thinking a lot since our last conversation, and I’ve come to the conclusion that the best thing for me right now is to stop keeping in touch. I feel that you – understandably, no shade – can’t give me the stability I need at the moment. I’ve been holding on very tightly to what we had, and if I keep doing that, I feel like I’ll be taking away the chance for us to possibly find our way back to each other in the future. I’d be happy to see you when you’re back in Prague and if you feel stable enough to continue what we had, but until then, it’s better for both of us to focus on what lies ahead. Take care, lindo! Whatever will happen, I’ll always cherish our time together, and I truly hope life gives you everything you’re hoping for – you deserve that and so much more. ❤️
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Thank you for understanding! Yes, our perspective is very different: I’m not going through the most traumatic and challenging time of my life, all I know is that I miss you and I want to see you again, help you somehow, but I can’t do anything from here at this point but give you space and wait. I hoped you’ll be back in May to be honest but in the past couple of weeks it felt like you might never come back or just much later and suddenly this made me feel kinda helpless which does not help with my strange anxiety. Lately I put too much pressure on myself, I said yes too many times and I think stepping back a little bit and just focusing on the things what lies ahead of me would help me to loosen up a bit, be more present and more mindful with my energy. I want to be there for you, I empathize with you (maybe a little bit too much if possible), and of course I would pick up the phone if you would call me, I never stoped thinking about you, but at the same time I have to dig a little deeper of the roots of my anxiety and struggles and for that, I need some space as well. So until the next time I can hug the shit out of you I’m sending you all the kisses I have, Lindo! 👩🏼❤️👨🏽
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I just realized this: your pain is not my pain. Your journey is not my journey.
You started drifting so I started floating. I'm such a good soldier, your life fell apart and I was immediately ready for duty. I remember telling you 'If I could, I would take at least some of your pain away' and at that moment I was telling myself that I have to be careful. I can't carry some stranger's pain. And here we are. I was a very good distraction and support for you for a while, but now you realized you have to process your trauma alone. But you know, for me, when someone's pulling away it means something bad will happen. That I did something bad. I'll be left behind. You have no idea how triggering it was for me to see you fading away from my life. To see how all over the place you are. How different every of our conversations are.
You are so lost I started to lose myself as well. I thought I am you. I was feeling your feelings so deeply I forgot about mines. That's why I feel after every breakup and ghosting that I have to scrape the other person out of me, even if they didn't mean that much to me. That's why I'm so vulnerable when it comes to love. Because my understanding of love still is that I have to give up myself. My needs. I was trying to get rid of my crippling anxiety so bad, but for the whole time she was there to protect me. She was crying, screaming at me, that I have to hold onto myself or I will lose myself just like you did. It was self protection. I couldn't hold onto the magic that happened between us anymore, so much thing happened and so much time passed and I still don't have a grip on what's going on with you, or when you'll be actually back. So I had to chose myself. I have to stay still for a while and sober up.
I don't think you want to let me go. Maybe eventually you'll have to, but you don't want to. You are that abandoned child nobody cared for. You do what you did as a kid: walking around, trying to find meaning, goals, people to connect with, so finally you'll feel important. Special. You think you are alone in this but we all do that. Every person on Earth is doing that. We are doing the same thing. You are running around and I'm running around you. But none of us will feel better if we keep doing that. Things won't be easier for you if we both feel like shit. One of us has to stop.
You told me we have to adjust. I asked you what are we adjusting to? Your answer was: we are doing that. But see, this is not how I live my life. I'm not lost, I know I want to be okay. I don't need meaning to be okay. Life is not something you have to figure out, you don't have to know what you want from life all the time, you just have to have one. You had a plan, the sabbatical, Prague, but now you are somewhere in Brazil sleeping under the stars without any clue how you feel. And that's fine. But I don't have to assist to that.
You told me so many times that you are thinking a lot, you have many thoughts to share but you never actually did. I think you know how stupid you are right now and you are too scared to admit it to me. Because I'll ask the hard questions. I don't do well with bullshit. But again, it's fine, you have to do what you have to do. I have time. I have me. I have my life. Everything I need is right there with me.
After this excruciating one month little by little, but I'm finally feeling like myself again. I was able to stop. I can stay still. But I still have hope. Hope that I'll see you again. I want to see if you are still there. 6 weeks. 6 busy and beautiful weeks ahead of me and I'll have my answers. I'll hug you like there's no tomorrow and I'll see if I have to let you go for good or not. Until then, I'll enjoy the beautiful life I bulit for myself.
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