Játék

Cutting contact was the bravest thing I've ever done. First I thought it's insignificant, it's a small step I made but I have still a long way to go. Then I was proud. I did something for myself, because I felt I hade the right to feel what I'm feeling. For a whole day it felt like I'm finally able to breathe. But then the guilt creeped in. What if this thing I did will drive you away from me for good? What if this makes me untrustworthy in your eyes? What if I left someone behind who relied on me? Who needed me. I felt bad. Real bad. And a few days passed. I finally had energy again. I enjoyed the small moments. I felt closer to my friends. I'm closer to myself, again. It feels good to be myself again. 

I'm thinking about what I did a lot. Why does it feel so bold? Today it kicked in: I showed you the  consequence of your actions. And I couldn't not do it. I had to do it, I didn't have an other choice. It was an act of self-love. Something I don't do regularly. I stoped putting up with your bullshit and I drew a line. You became careless with me, with my feelings, and I told you no. Kindly, elegantly, I might add, but I did tell you no. I still want to believe that this person I see right now is not the real you. You were caring, we were connected, we were honest with each other, but then you stoped, for whatever reason, that's still a mystery to me. But instead of working harder for your attention I said no. It scared the shit out of me though, not gonna lie. But I did it. I did something for myself. 

I know you have the 'braindead mom' card, but I don't think that's the case anymore. I mean of course grief has its stages and all, we were talking about that a lot. But you didn't touch the topic for weeks now. You didn't even talked with her for years. Or ever, actually. You don't talk about her at all. All you say is that you finally have time to think and you think a lot. But about what? Yeah, the meaning of life, what do you want from life, goals and shit, yes, but for real...? How did you go from controlled to unhinged within a few days? I was impressed how well you managed the situation but now it feels like you are just hiding. You won't find your answers if you keep avoiding reality. You are wasting time. The most valuable asset on earth. You have the right to do so of course but why playing with my feelings then? Ah, I guess it's embarrassing to admit that you used me for support but then you realized I'm just a chick you banged for a couple of days. :') I mean, the beautiful being I am...

Much ado about nothing.

I put you in a very uncomfortable position here. You'll have to show up. You have to buy the plane ticket, come back, call me, arrange a time and a place, and talk, not only once, but consistently. If you don't do these things, you'll admit that you are a shit person to whom people are disposable when things get hard. Oops. 

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt, I hope you'll able to show up, but I'm losing more and more faith every day. And I'm so happy it's happening because it means I am able to enjoy my life again. The agony I felt a few days ago is fading away like you did. And now I can't wait to have my adventures without that fucking anxiety you caused me. 

You fuckhead. I love you. :)